[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
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At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Best spot.. 😅
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
*puts words between two asterisks*
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*