[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
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Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Yup
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.