Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
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*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake