although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
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We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Dance like you’re not the father
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*