Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
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Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.
[10 mins later]
Also me: I guess this is later enough.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.