Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
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My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
*lint rolls you awake*
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
What?!?
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*