Always
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Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.