Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
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Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
my proudest tweet
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.