Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
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My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Seems kinda suspicious
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.