Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
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*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.