Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
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[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.