Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
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Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?