Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
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Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Me too 😆
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this