Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
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My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Somebody’s lying.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Raisins are grape jerky.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.