Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.

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Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.


My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.


Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.


I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.


Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas


Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.


I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.


My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.


I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth