always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
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Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.