Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
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in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.