Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
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Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
My sex drive has a dui
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one