Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
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What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?