@noog

Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.

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@TheBoydP

The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?

@TitansHomer

Me: what are we doing today

Trainer: let work on your forearms.

Me: but I only have 2

T: What?!?

Me: *whispers* I only have 2?

@Not_From_Troy

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

@10InchesPlus

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

@PeachyPixel8

Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold

*cue explosion*

PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN

*fade to black*

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”

Me: “Anything?”

*drives to store*

*brings home cupcakes*

*discovers “anything” includes lying*

@trevso_electric

If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.

@DearAnyone

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

@TopherKearby

[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.

@UncleDuke1969

Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.