Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
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My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*