Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
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I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Google assistant rules
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that