@TheBoydP The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
@noog Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
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@TheBoydP 
@TitansHomer Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
@Not_From_Troy I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
@10InchesPlus I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
@PeachyPixel8 Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
@XplodingUnicorn Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
@trevso_electric If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
@DearAnyone A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
@TopherKearby [Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
@UncleDuke1969 Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.