“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
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no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.