Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
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Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
What the hell is going on?
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY