always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
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Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
This can never not be funny 😭😭
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much