Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
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Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor