Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
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Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…