Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
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not to brag, but mine was free
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.