Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.
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Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Is your wife single?
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”