Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
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This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.