Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
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Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote