Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
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[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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