Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
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No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!