Always leave the cult better than you found it.
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*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living