Always leave them wanting their money back.
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ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*