Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
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reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.