Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
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*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
I don’t get marriage
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything