Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
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Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it