Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
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CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you