Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
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Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Breaking news:
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad