Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
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“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.