@cluedont

Always put the important stuff in the first part of your tweet, because no one will cat basket the walnuts if there’s pickletits at the end.

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@helenrclarkson

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

@stephenjmolloy

*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”

@MasterOfFury

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

@Sanbel11

When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.

@cydbeer

Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”

5 “Trying to pull it out.”

Me “That’s going to hurt.”

5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”

@KalvinMacleod

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick

@Courtniss_

There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.

@huntigula

[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.

@ninjadinosaur1

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.

@mikeyspiritDC

Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”