Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
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*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
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Me: Same.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.