@Demented_Jokes

Always remember…. A mirror never lies.

(Fatty)

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@Not_From_Troy

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant

@UberFacts

A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.

@gavinprobably

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

@fancywookiee

Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.

@MedusaOusa

My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.

@LuvPug

The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.

@theregoesrichie

Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.

@ch000ch

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”