Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
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Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
You deplete me
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”