Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
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*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.