@pplwtching

Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.

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@Book_Krazy

Hub: When was your first kiss

Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks

Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent

Me: I hate you

@OakHill_

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

@chelseaperetti

“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE

@Ygrene

[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal

@TrueTorontoGirl

Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.

@AndyAsAdjective

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

@dreamthievin

Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.

@david8hughes

[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty

@Dawn_M_

Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.

@Carbosly

What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.