Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
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*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
😅😅😅
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s