Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
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My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise