Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
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I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me: