Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
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I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
#Caturday
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
bro what is going on at twitter
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD