Always the barmaid, never the bar.
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No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times