Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
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Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
my name if I was in the mob
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….