@bornmiserable

Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid

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@QwertyJones3

Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?

@_davidlucas_

An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.

@Scimommy

Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.

@chrisscarlette

*i put two straws in my drink*

gf: awhh ๐Ÿ™‚

me: hell ya double barrel

*i use both straws*

@Arroia

If I ever get pregnant, Iโ€™m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.

@

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

@TheWadest

Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…

@AddledPixie

I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.