Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid

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Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?


An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.


Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.


*i put two straws in my drink*

gf: awhh ๐Ÿ™‚

me: hell ya double barrel

*i use both straws*


If I ever get pregnant, Iโ€™m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.


“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler


Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…


I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.