Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
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To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
crochet youtube is brutal
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Ah..makes sense now
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
multitasking lunch
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.