@QwertyJones3 Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
@bornmiserable Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
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@QwertyJones3 
@_davidlucas_ An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
@Scimommy Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
@Lenabellalou gimma back my stick frost man… ๐โ๏ธ
@chrisscarlette *i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh ๐
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
@Arroia If I ever get pregnant, Iโm dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
@AdrianChen 
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
@TheWadest Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
@AddledPixie I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.