Always the camel, never the toe.
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doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
I think they could have phrased this better
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.