Always this one for me forever
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Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Extremely relatable.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
describing stardew valley
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”