*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
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Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.