Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
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There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*